One of my new, professional muses, Giselle, the alternative PR empress, was waxing about how the most effective blogs are always the most personal. She says it’s what she likes about my site. So, with that little nudge, it gave some push to write a post that I had been thinking about for a while and that is how certain aspects are affecting me personally and how I can share them with you from the front lines of my psyche.
As some of you might know, I am recently removed from my marriage of nearly seven years, which included a beautiful, five-year-old son that continues to enlighten and amaze us. There were many triggers for this transition on the personal level, but make no mistake, there are definitely some major astrological factors in play as well.
At the end of April, transiting Jupiter moved into opposition with my own natal Uranus. Uranus sits in my ninth house in Leo, while Jupiter transits my third house, which is probably why I’m writing about this experience. But when this opposition occurs, as it is for many folks this year who are born with Uranus in Leo, it’s a time for newness, fresh starts, reboots. For me, this impacts how I interact with the qualities of the ninth house, one of which for me, has always represented the upper room, the way station between the body and the soul. In the upper room, we ascend to meet with wisdom, purpose and greater meaning.
As it relates to my sub-generation, it is impacting me in the following way; Here in the nape of the eternal, tantric, process-fille-Bay Area- life, I have noticed that my peers are constantly talking about “transformation” and “processing.” The Uranus in Leo aspect is having me question this reality that we all so readily share and mostly agree upon. Whether we’re shedding the skin of past lives, reformatting our DNA, or preparing our subtle bodies for 2012, there’s always a feeling of moving, churning, crunching, transiting, but rarely, if ever, one of arriving. What would it take for an individual to authentically claim that “I have arrived?” How would it feel to say that “I am through with the navel gazing and am ready to live?” Most people in my neck of the woods would claim hubris, arrogance and excess of pride. Normally, I would agree with such sentiments, but as Uranus opposes Jupiter, it’s making me think along different lines. My thoughts are evolving towards completeness and completion. I am entertaining what it would feel like to be done as much as I can be done right now.
We’ve grown a multi-billion-dollar industry around being a culturally creative society; from yoga and kirtan, to raw foods, to green ideologies, to self-help books, DVD’s and seminars. We have in some ways become obsessed with the search, the idea that we’re not good enough, positive enough, abundant enough, multi-dimensional enough, green enough, clean enough . . .you get the picture. I’m not disagreeing with the idea that we can re-define ourselves against our cultural milieu and find our authentic selves, but here, in The Bay Area, the search seems endless, eternal and ultimately can take us away from our most present states. Sometimes and this is where my next biggest aspect kicks in, we substitute the reality of our lives with the mythopoetic quest for our souls, which seems so much more glamorous than the reality of our grind. In essence, in the intense need to search for ourselves, are we in reality, hiding from them? If so, are we creating a psychic schism between the real and the imaginal? Are we actually splitting ourselves from ourselves through our continual questing?
It’s too late to turn back now, but what is the alternative to the alternative? For me, it’s a sense of knowing who you are right now. Accepting everything about yourself, both positive and negative and to turn your talents, gifts and skills into actualities, not potential. You are here now. 2012 might happen, it might not. It might happen in ways that none of us are truly prepared for, but the reality is, is that 2012 is nearly three years away and a lot can happen between now and then. There is no place to arrive at, no sense of getting clearer or closer to perfection. You have arrived. How does it feel? Can you handle that fact? What is the gnawing sense that this cannot be? What more can you accomplish or need to do? You have everything you need right now. What will you do with it?
Uranus opposing Jupiter is just one aspect that is coloring my perceptions. The other is a major Venus/Saturn square, which is doing a real number on my relationships. Here I am, somewhat isolated, out near the point of The Bay, and my closest connections seem to be getting pared away from me. Just like last week, one of my closest and dearest friends went sideways on me. I’ll spare the gory details, but to suffice it to say, we are no longer on speaking terms and I am more okay with this than I am not. Not because of the toxic aftertaste the interaction left in my mouth, but it’s because such a severe severing means to me that who and what he represents to my life is no longer pertinent. His struggles, his pain, his shadow all of which reflected my own in some way are gone and I have to believe that it is as powerful for him as it has been for me. I don’t know, nor do I care to speculate who or what I have meant to him on a symbolic level, but I hope that the remnant is positive, that he can move on from the stuck place I’ve seen him in since 2000.
If we are both liberated by this disconnect in what has been a mutually supportive connection for years, then it was worth it. If there is more of us available, then I will rejoice for being plucked by the roses thorn.
I wish him well.
For someone that has a stellium in Libra in the 11th house, friendships have been vital for me. But now, as Saturn and Venus square off, I am realizing and getting more at ease with my aloneness as it leads towards new realizations, one of which feeds into the larger tributary of my life; it may not look the way that I would like it to, I may have erred, may have made choices that weren’t always in my best interest, may not have fully embraced who I am to the extent that is was painfully clear to others, but I cannot change that. For better or worse, I have arrived.